Self-Care 101
Maybe you're asking, do we really need a post telling us how to take care of ourselves? We're all adults here, Kirsten. We know how to take care of ourselves.
I hear you. And in no way am I trying to be condescending.
You are an adult with ample knowledge on what you need to survive as a human being. You likely understand what you need to thrive too. And yet, I work with lovely humans just like yourself, all the time, who deeply struggle with self-care for a variety of reasons. Sometimes knowing doesn’t equal doing.
So I'm putting it out there, as always, with loving intention for you to take what you need and leave what you don't.
For many clients, self-care involves reparenting.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
When the needs of young children go unmet, they miss out on the modelling that teaches them how to soothe and care for themselves. What's more is that needs themselves become triggers… painful reminders of discomfort that went unsoothed.
Humans tend to avoid what makes us uncomfortable; that's our nature. This is even more true when we don't have an ingrained capacity for self-soothing. So we avoid, not just the need but awareness of having the need itself. This tendency to avoid, through complex patterns of defence mechanisms and unhealthy numbing strategies, creates a major deficit in one's ability to take care of oneself.
You cannot show up for yourself if you are disconnected from yourself.
When needs become triggers, self-care can be overwhelming and even paralyzing. To tolerate such discomfort we must first cultivate self-soothing strategies. It takes time, loving-kindness, and patience to be at peace with needs that trigger unsettling discomfort.
Eventually, showing up for yourself in this way means giving yourself the love and care you missed out on in childhood. Self-care is not only the foundation of robust mental health, but also the foundation of healing complex developmental trauma. It's incredibly important.
If what you're reading clicks for you and you're interested in support from a therapist, check out my resources section to learn more about community programs. If you don’t live in BC, send me a message and I will try to help you find relevant resources.
RELATED: 3 Benefits of Mental Health Counselling
Complex trauma aside, self-care is the foundation of overall health.
I have yet to meet anyone with robust health - mental or otherwise - and a poor self-care practice. It's just not possible.
Self-care truly is the groundwork that supports all my clinical interventions with clients no matter what brings them to see me. It doesn't matter if someone's presenting concern is mild anxiety, complex trauma, or major depression - an important intervention is improving self-care.
Of course, therapy is not one size fits all, black and white, or even linear. There are many unique factors that play into a treatment plan and sometimes improving self-care coincides with other important initial interventions. But I digress...
Self-care balances out the stress of being human. It is essential to your wellness. I can't emphasize it's importance enough. And if you don't have a firm grasp on it, now is a wonderful opportunity to learn a little more about yourself, what your needs are, and how to take care of those needs.
Self-Care Takes Discipline.
One of the biggest qualms I have with mainstream self-care hype is that it's all about indulgence when it's actually about discipline. We need to stop deluding ourselves that indulgent behaviours are self-care if they are actually making us sick. That is the exact opposite of self-care.
There is a lot of misguided information out there about self-care being this narrow set of activities, mostly involving pampering and indulging.
Don't get me wrong, bubble baths, chocolate, and pedicures can be valuable pieces of the self-care puzzle, and life would be a little less grand without them! If you feel soothed and refreshed by a delicious bubble bath or a relaxing spa treatment then of course those activities are useful to engage in, if you have the time and means to do so (lucky you!).
But self-care is so much more than treating yourself to a spa day and indulging in wine with the girls.
I recall a time when I asked a colleague how they were doing and they responded by listing all the ways in which life is demanding their energy and said, "I haven't even had time for self-care." That statement confused me because I knew this person had been exercising routinely, so I followed up for clarity.
Turns out, in their mind self-care means pampering. And I know social media perpetuates the notion that self-care is all about indulging, pampering, and well... Beautification. But that's just not true.
True self-care is about awareness of your needs, and practicing discipline to take care of yourself. It's about getting to know yourself, weaknesses and strengths, and figuring out what is best for your overall health at any given time, in the long run. And then doing the (sometimes) hard work of showing up for yourself and meeting your needs.
Trust me, I know how tough it can be to show up for a workout when you're tired and want to pacify with netflix, wine, and cookies (…just me?). But that workout might be the exact kind of love and care you need to shed the stress of the day, show up tomorrow as your best self, and be healthy.
If you're stressed and a mindful walk or a spin class is going to burn off some stress and leave you feeling connected, accomplished and empowered - then maybe it's time to dig deep and move that beautiful body!
On the other hand, some people may need to learn how to prioritize rest and play. If you cope by being hyper-productive and put your needs for play and rest on the back burner, improving your self-care discipline might involve learning how to enjoy stillness and downtime, and exploring ways to bring more joy and sensuality into your life.
Of course, self-care encompasses more than rest and physical activity.
Nutrition, movement, sleep, and connection make up the foundation to a solid self-care practice. When these self-care practices are out of whack the rest of life can be pretty daunting.
Last but in no way least is joy. All work and no play make... just about everyone pretty miserable.
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Balance is Key.
You might be wondering how you can fit in all these facets of self-care while keeping up with all life’s demands.
Well, you probably can't.
There will always be demands, financial constraints, and seemingly endless to-do lists competing with your self-care needs.
Our busy modern-day lives are so full of demands that having perfect self-care and keeping on top of responsibilities and obligations is practically impossible. We all know, there is no such thing as perfection. And striving for it is not a helpful self-care strategy.
But what you can do is wisely choose how you spend your time, prioritize activities based on what you gather you need most, do your best to create balance, and forgive yourself completely when none of these things seem possible.
Some days you need to dig deep and push yourself to get out for a walk when you don't feel like it. Other days you will need to welcome rest and skip the workout so your body can do some needed repair. Most days your diet should be full of vital nutrients to sustain your functioning, and some days you need to be able to indulge in the yummy treats that coincide with celebrating family or friends without guilt.
Still, other days you will need to numb.
And that’s ok. Doing your best will look different day by day.
Simple, easy, short practices to support your wellness.
Balance is crucial for a healthy self-care practice, and so is self-compassion. Embrace doing your best as being next to perfect, which is pretty fucking great!
But please, stop deluding yourself into believing that constant indulgence is healthy self-care. It’s not.
If you're feeling unsure of what you need - ask yourself, how am I feeling and what do I need most right now? What will benefit future me, whether tomorrow or 5 years from now, the most?
If it’s comfortable to do so, close your eyes and sit with those questions for a while. See what comes up.
If the answer is resting - then do it without guilt. The point here is stress reduction, right?
If it's movement do it with positive intention and loving kindness (not punishment and coercion).
If it’s saying no to social plans to preserve your energy, say no and be satisfied with your decision.
If it’s leaving the dirty dishes so you can visit with a loved one, know those pesky dishes will still be there tomorrow and you are making a decision that you can feel good about.
Bottom line: when in doubt, being kind to yourself is the best self-care of all.
Again, if you'd like a helpful infographic to remember 5 important foundations of self-care, sign up for my monthly newsletter for instant access!